Tailor Made Catering

Jimmy McLaughlauglin (Little Jimmy to close acquaintances) hopes today will provide a boost to his newly formed catering business, as he's spent considerable time and effort, not to mention hard cash, in producing a selection of advertising and other promotional material for his venture which will be providing food and beverages at the 57th Fyfe Milliners conference.

Jimmy has produced a range of exclusive dishes and artisan beers for the event which he hopes will be a huge success. Mr McLaughlauglin, a professional tailor by trade, has no experience of the catering industry, but is sure that the hat makers will love his food as long as they remove the pins before stuffing it in their stupid hat-making faces.

Face Like a Foot?

Have you ever thought your face looked a bit like a foot? Maybe friends have commented about it's appearance? Perhaps people point and laugh at you in the street and called you a foot-faced-freak?

If this is the case, why not call in to Frederik's Facial Cobblers in Wellingborough. The Frederik's have been leading manufacturers of facial footwear fro those unfortunate enough to be afflicted with facial foot syndrome for over 100 years.

Why not try an attractive face-brogue, or a casual chin-loafer. Perhaps ladies would like to try one of the sophisticated and sexy range of eye-heels. Or, if you're content to stay indoors, a wide range of fur-lined balaclava slippers are available in a range of tartan fabrics.

Sale starts today!

Surprise Dinner Party

Mrs Margaret Rosemoth of Leatherhead, Surrey, will be hosting one of her surprise dinner parties at her home this evening. Amongst the usual welcoming surroundings, attractive people, and informal conversation, Margaret has secreted small quantities of raw chicken, undercooked pork and spoiled fish into the hors d'oeuvres, and will serve dessert with creme fraiche four days past it's use-by date.

Imagine the surprise when you get time off work due to the subsequent vomiting and diarrhea brought on by the unhygenic food you've consumed.

Mrs Rosemoth says that people should make the most of tonights' event as it may well be the last if those rude people from the environmental helth department hold true to their increasing correspondence.

Bellows-powered Underground Transit System

Charles van Derhank of Chiswick is proposing a new, "superior" method of mass transit for London and it's surrounding environs. He has drawn up a detailed proposal for an air-powered underground system similar in nature to those pipe things in banks and other institutions that cashiers use to send money to other parts of the building. The one-and-a-half-page design document states that the necessary air-power be provided by a set of gigantic bellows housed in the old Battersea Power Station building. The bellows themselves are to be powered by some form of massive bellows-powereing machine that will need to be invented by scientists. This in turn will be driven by a bellows-powering-machine-powering-machine and so forth.

When it was suggested that significantly more detail would be required for such a proposal to be even considered, much less the need for such a system given the already extensive and proven forms of mass-transit already in place in the capital, and that his proposale sounded unworkable and, frankly, fucking madness, Mr van Derhank was heard to mumble something about "shirkers" and "it was people like you who caused the fall of the British empire".

His plans for the system are available for consultation today at his home address (address withheld).

Massive Shit Sale

Barking's Menswear in Macclesfield, Cheshire, is holding it's traditional January Shit Sale today. There will be a huge number to choose from, including formal, business and casual shits in a range of colours and sizes. Joshua Barker, the proprietor, is hoping that there will be no recurrence of last year's misfortune, when a practical joker ruined his promotional literature, and threatened to "kick the shirt" out of anyone attempting such mischief.

Butcher Ben and his Part-cooked Hen

Residents of, and visitors to, the Gloucestershire town of Stroud can partake of one of Local butcher, Ben Hamm's, famous partially cooked chickens today. Each bird is carefully seasoned using a secret blend of herbs and spices and then cooked for little more than a quarter of the recommended time. Ben disputes the claim that declining participation is down to the large number of food poisoning cases that have resulted in previous years, saying that people should just "grow a bit of backbone" and stop their bloody moaning. After all, he said, no-one moans about rare beef, and chickens are little more than small, beaked, cows with wings.

Bee Cloning

The death of millions of bees from Colony Collapse Disorder is a potential ecological disaster. Why not try and avert the end of civilisation as we know it by cloning your own bees. In order to do this you will need the following:

1) A bee (living is best), but an old dead one from a spider's web in the shed will suffice.
2) A laboratory. If you don't have one of these, then it might be possible to use your kitchen.
3) Extensive scientific knowlege on the practical application of cloning techniques. If these skills are absent, you'll have to just fudge it.

Once you're set, simply clone millions of bees. Remember not to release then now though, as it's February and they'll die from the cold.

The Gravy Train

If you're aboard the 15:20 Derby to Nottingham train today, the get ready to enjoy some hot, delicious gravy. Clarence Blenkinsop of Kirk Langley will be once again wheeling his tureen of gravy down the carriages of the train, offering cups of the hot beverage to all aboard. If you've got foodstuffs to hand then even better! Whether it be a full roast dinner, or just a packet of wine gums, he'll happily ladle a generous portion for you, even if you don't want him to. Clarence says that he usually gets at least a couple of stops down the line before being forcibly removed by train officials, and would like to inform us that the unfortunate scalding incident that occurred on a previous trip was a one-off, and that the woman's legs have healed with only minimal scarring.

Steve Davies' Underwater Snooker World

The 9th of January sees the opening of Steve Davies' Underwater Snooker World in Hayward's Heath, Sussex. Mr Davies opened the attraction as he shares the same name as 80s "boring" snooker champion, Steve Davies.
The attraction consists of a collection of 12 fish-tanks, each containing a scale replica of a snooker table, with painted ball-bearings taking the place of regular snooker balls (which are not available at this scale). In place of snooker players (or snookerists) and audience, a selection of fish, crabs and other aquatic life has been added to the tanks.
The exhibit almost never saw the light of day as it was beset by a number of problems, including the deaths of several dozen fish, some of which were poisoned by the lead paint used to colour the balls. Others were impaled during an ill-fated attempt to introduce sharp cocktail sticks as snooker-cues, and many more perished when Mr Davies attempted to eject a stray bird from the premises by wildly swinging a cricket bat around his head, smashing eight of the tanks.
When asked about the relevance of the aquatic addition, Mr Davies shouted that he "couldn't very well set it in outer space, could he".

The not-so-jolly fisherman

The seaside town of Skegness, Lincolnshire has long used the Jolly Fisherman as an iconic image to help attract visitors to the town. Now, Skegness local, Bernard Kentford, believes it's time for a change.
"Fish stocks and miserly EU quotas have resulted in the dwindling of small, independent fishing fleets, so it's high time this prancing symbol of the olden times be constrained to the history books, or even better, purged from human memory altogether.", Mr Kentford was heard to ramble through his letterbox when we called on him for an interview.
He intends to hold a town meeting to discuss the issue on the beach today, but says that if anyone turns up dressed as a fisherman in protest, he'll flip his lid.
Skegness council have so far not commented on Mr Kentford's suggested replacement; a picture of a family eating ice-creams, but with prawns' heads badly photoshopped over their faces.

Clint Fifty

Today is the fiftieth birthday of composer and former Pop Will Eat Itself (PWEI) frontman, Clint Mansell. Why not commemorate this by naming fifty other people named Clint and listening to his little-heard track, Lux Æterna all day long. In order to get you started on your Clint marathon, we've provided one you might not have thought of below.

Clint Eastwood

Leek leek leak

Mr and Mrs Roger Campbell-Botsford are calling on volunteers to join them in a grand experiment in the Staffordshire town of Leek today. They intend to break the world record for the number of people urinating, or "taking a leak", on the popular member of the alium vegetable family, and symbol of Welshness, the leek, while located within the boundaries of the town of Leek. In order to ensure they have enough leeks to break the record, they have bought the entire stock from a local greengrocers, no less that fourteen of the vegetables, which is at least fourteen times as many as the current record. If you want to help them in the attempt, or just like the idea of pissing on vegetables, head off to Staffordshire today.

Worm Charming

A worm charming event takes place in the Lincolnshire village of Glentham today. Organiser Mr Mike Beavis says it should be fun for all ages, but especially for those 80s New Romantics as, instead of the traditional technique of knocking wooden stakes into the ground to lure worms to the surface, Mike already has hundreds of the legless snake creatures in a big bucket and wants participants to  decorate the animals in the style of 80s pop star Adam Ant's "Prince Charming" alter-ego. The person judged to have made the best worm (including a white stripe across it's nose - if worms have one) will win the star prize - a collection of dead ants dressed as Duran Duran.

The Wapping Englebert Ascent

Friday sees the 25th anniversary of the annual Englebert Ascent at Wapping Docks. This years Englebert has been crafted by the children of Wapping and reaches a lofty height of almost 17 feet, and is formed from almost 27 million sunflower seeds and several of those tiny coloured plastic swords sometimes found in cheap cocktails. Climbers will be relieved to hear that safety has been carefully considered and in the likely event of a fall, their precious bones and flesh will be protected by a sturdy cushion of over nine egg boxes and an old lilo. Last years climb only resulted in a single death and attracted huge crowds almost half-filling the 30 available seats, so make sure you get there early to avoid fun. Venue opens at 1pm. Climb begins at noon.