Tailor Made Catering

Jimmy McLaughlauglin (Little Jimmy to close acquaintances) hopes today will provide a boost to his newly formed catering business, as he's spent considerable time and effort, not to mention hard cash, in producing a selection of advertising and other promotional material for his venture which will be providing food and beverages at the 57th Fyfe Milliners conference.

Jimmy has produced a range of exclusive dishes and artisan beers for the event which he hopes will be a huge success. Mr McLaughlauglin, a professional tailor by trade, has no experience of the catering industry, but is sure that the hat makers will love his food as long as they remove the pins before stuffing it in their stupid hat-making faces.

Face Like a Foot?

Have you ever thought your face looked a bit like a foot? Maybe friends have commented about it's appearance? Perhaps people point and laugh at you in the street and called you a foot-faced-freak?

If this is the case, why not call in to Frederik's Facial Cobblers in Wellingborough. The Frederik's have been leading manufacturers of facial footwear fro those unfortunate enough to be afflicted with facial foot syndrome for over 100 years.

Why not try an attractive face-brogue, or a casual chin-loafer. Perhaps ladies would like to try one of the sophisticated and sexy range of eye-heels. Or, if you're content to stay indoors, a wide range of fur-lined balaclava slippers are available in a range of tartan fabrics.

Sale starts today!

Surprise Dinner Party

Mrs Margaret Rosemoth of Leatherhead, Surrey, will be hosting one of her surprise dinner parties at her home this evening. Amongst the usual welcoming surroundings, attractive people, and informal conversation, Margaret has secreted small quantities of raw chicken, undercooked pork and spoiled fish into the hors d'oeuvres, and will serve dessert with creme fraiche four days past it's use-by date.

Imagine the surprise when you get time off work due to the subsequent vomiting and diarrhea brought on by the unhygenic food you've consumed.

Mrs Rosemoth says that people should make the most of tonights' event as it may well be the last if those rude people from the environmental helth department hold true to their increasing correspondence.

Bellows-powered Underground Transit System

Charles van Derhank of Chiswick is proposing a new, "superior" method of mass transit for London and it's surrounding environs. He has drawn up a detailed proposal for an air-powered underground system similar in nature to those pipe things in banks and other institutions that cashiers use to send money to other parts of the building. The one-and-a-half-page design document states that the necessary air-power be provided by a set of gigantic bellows housed in the old Battersea Power Station building. The bellows themselves are to be powered by some form of massive bellows-powereing machine that will need to be invented by scientists. This in turn will be driven by a bellows-powering-machine-powering-machine and so forth.

When it was suggested that significantly more detail would be required for such a proposal to be even considered, much less the need for such a system given the already extensive and proven forms of mass-transit already in place in the capital, and that his proposale sounded unworkable and, frankly, fucking madness, Mr van Derhank was heard to mumble something about "shirkers" and "it was people like you who caused the fall of the British empire".

His plans for the system are available for consultation today at his home address (address withheld).

Massive Shit Sale

Barking's Menswear in Macclesfield, Cheshire, is holding it's traditional January Shit Sale today. There will be a huge number to choose from, including formal, business and casual shits in a range of colours and sizes. Joshua Barker, the proprietor, is hoping that there will be no recurrence of last year's misfortune, when a practical joker ruined his promotional literature, and threatened to "kick the shirt" out of anyone attempting such mischief.

Butcher Ben and his Part-cooked Hen

Residents of, and visitors to, the Gloucestershire town of Stroud can partake of one of Local butcher, Ben Hamm's, famous partially cooked chickens today. Each bird is carefully seasoned using a secret blend of herbs and spices and then cooked for little more than a quarter of the recommended time. Ben disputes the claim that declining participation is down to the large number of food poisoning cases that have resulted in previous years, saying that people should just "grow a bit of backbone" and stop their bloody moaning. After all, he said, no-one moans about rare beef, and chickens are little more than small, beaked, cows with wings.

Bee Cloning

The death of millions of bees from Colony Collapse Disorder is a potential ecological disaster. Why not try and avert the end of civilisation as we know it by cloning your own bees. In order to do this you will need the following:

1) A bee (living is best), but an old dead one from a spider's web in the shed will suffice.
2) A laboratory. If you don't have one of these, then it might be possible to use your kitchen.
3) Extensive scientific knowlege on the practical application of cloning techniques. If these skills are absent, you'll have to just fudge it.

Once you're set, simply clone millions of bees. Remember not to release then now though, as it's February and they'll die from the cold.